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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25154335">Lucifer vs the Goat</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/OkamiShadou98/pseuds/OkamiShadou98'>OkamiShadou98</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Lucifer One-shots [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Lucifer (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Almost Crack, Birthday Party, Fluff, Humor, Petting zoo, the evil goat from hell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 03:54:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,671</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25154335</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/OkamiShadou98/pseuds/OkamiShadou98</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>For her tenth birthday party, Trixie wants a petting zoo. Chloe obliges, ignoring Lucifer's bad history with a certain hoofed, horned creature.</p><p>Or the one where Lucifer finds that his hatred of goats is completely justified.</p><p>Disclaimer: no Devils were (permanently) injured during this fic.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Lucifer One-shots [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1673098</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>152</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Lucifer vs the Goat</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I don't know what to say about this one. I hope you enjoy and let me know what you think!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was only ten in the morning and already Lucifer was seriously considering breaking his promise to Chloe about not drinking for the day. His flask was tucked in his jacket pocket, the weight a constant reminder of just how close his salvation was. He could almost feel the liquid shifting with his every step as he cooked. Inviting. Begging.</p><p>“Lucifer, can you take these trays out to the backyard?” Chloe asked, putting the final touches on a vegetable platter.</p><p>He looked up from the stove to the backyard. Even with the sliding door closed to keep the air conditioning in, the screeches of playing children echoed through the condo. Whoever had said that the sound of Heaven was screaming children had clearly never hosted twenty of the hellish rugrats. How did Trixie even know so many people?</p><p>“I can’t. I have to,” he faltered, looking at his pot, “um, wait for the water to boil.”</p><p>Chloe huffed. “Funny. Here,” she thrusted the tray into his hands, “go and put that outside.”</p><p>“Detective, children don’t even like vegetables!” he protested, trying to hand the platter back to her.</p><p>“We have to provide at least a few healthy options. Besides, kids like carrots and dip.” She crossed her arms, refusing to take back the food. “I’ll watch your water and make sure it doesn’t boil over.”</p><p>“But,” he searched desperately for another excuse. </p><p>“Stop being childish and just do it, please. You’re going to have to join the party sooner or later anyway.” Chloe started cutting up fruit. “Trixie will be upset if you spend all day inside for her birthday.”</p><p>He gave the door another nervous look. “Why did she invite so many people?” he asked.</p><p>She rolled her eyes. “It’s a school policy. If you want to invite other students to your party during school hours, you have to invite the entire class. It’s to stop students from excluding one another.”</p><p>“Isn’t it worse to receive an invitation knowing that it was not an extension of friendship but rather a formality?”</p><p>Questions were good. If he could stall until his water boiled, then he wouldn’t have to go outside and face the two dozen ten year olds currently chasing one another around in an extreme game of tag.</p><p>“Lucifer,” Chloe said, exasperated, “children don’t think like that. And I know what you’re doing. Just get your ass out there and at least pretend like you’re happy.”</p><p>He huffed but complied, sliding open the door and stepping out into the backyard.</p><p>The space wasn’t enormous by any stretch of the imagination but it was serviceable for today’s purposes. In one corner, Lucifer had set up several folding tables for the food and drinks. Blankets had been laid nearby for people to sit on while they ate. The other side of the yard had been left clear by Chloe’s orders, though he had no idea why. At least it meant the children were far from where he was headed.</p><p>He walked briskly to the table, setting down the tray in the first available spot, spinning around and heading back towards salvation. Halfway across the yard, he was accosted, small arms wrapping around his waist.</p><p>“Unhand me miscreant!” he yelled, arms raised high to avoid touching whatever sticky creature that had latched onto him.</p><p>A familiar voice giggled. “Lucifer, why are you being weird?”</p><p>He looked down, realizing it was Trixie who held onto him.  “Oh, Urchin. Thank Dad. I thought you were one of the others.”</p><p>“What? Oh, you thought I was one of the other kids?” she giggled. “Why would any of them try to hug you?”</p><p>“What can I say? I’m irresistible,” he grumbled, scanning the yard warily. Some of the other children had stopped to watch him but none approached.</p><p>“You don’t have to be scared,” Trixie released him and beamed. “I told everything you hate hugs so they won’t bother you.”</p><p>“I… what?” he sputtered. “The Devil is not frightened by human spawns!”</p><p>She shrugged. “Okay. I’m going to go back and play!”</p><p>She raced off and Lucifer slipped back inside, closing the door with a sigh of relief. Only six more hours and then he could take a bath with a bottle of wine. Maybe he could coerce Chloe into joining him. They still had a few candles somewhere from their last date night.</p><p>The far more pleasing thought of rubbing naked shoulders and feeding Chloe strawberries settled his nerves. He waltzed back into the kitchen, checking on his pot.</p><p>“Did you have fun?” Chloe asked.</p><p>“There’s nothing fun about children’s parties,” he said flatly, pouring macaroni into the boiling water to cook. “You know, for some people this was their hell loop. Even the demons wouldn’t visit those souls.”</p><p>“That’s probably a good thing. I’m glad Maze has a bounty this weekend, even if Trixie is disappointed. She’d punch a kid or something.”</p><p>“What about me?” he asked. “I’m the Devil! Surely I shouldn’t be around children either.”</p><p>She came up to his side, resting her head against his shoulder. “You’d never hurt a child. No matter how annoyed you were.”</p><p>“I could too,” he argued weakly, wrapping an arm around her to keep her close.</p><p>“My hero,” she rolled her eyes goodnaturedly.. “C’mon, let’s hurry up and finish in here. I don’t want to leave all those ten year olds unattended.”</p><p>They went through the rest of the prep work at a rapid pace. Lucifer finished his macaroni salad while Chloe worked through a few finger foods. The cake had been baked late last night, while Trixie was asleep. Now, Lucifer iced the triple chocolate sugar monstrosity, keeping an eye out to ensure Trixie didn’t sneak in and see her cake.</p><p>They were just finishing when there was a knock on the front door. As his hands were currently covered in chocolate, Chloe went to see who it was. Lucifer listened as she greeted whoever it was, before returning a few minutes later. He expected to see her leading a late arrival but she was alone.</p><p>“Who was it?” he asked, filling a piping bag to add flowers to the edge of the cake.</p><p>“Well,” she said with that forced casualness that sent alarm bells ringing, “remember when Trixie said she wanted a petting zoo?”</p><p>“Un huh. And we decided not to get one because they have a certain horned creature which will remain nameless.” He abandoned the cake, pinning her with an intense look.</p><p>She shifted guiltily, avoiding his gaze. “Yes, we did agree on that. But she was so disappointed and with Maze missing the party I figured…” she trailed off, scratching at her brow.</p><p>“What did you figure, darling?” he asked, voice smooth as ice despite the hurricane threatening to burst free.</p><p>“I swear the guy I talked to said he has the nicest goats! They’ve never attacked anyone and they’re well behaved.” </p><p>“No, I won’t allow it! Those beasts will not set hoof in that yard.” Storming to the door, he wrenched it open, prepared to scare off the petting zoo company.</p><p>Now he knew why half of the yard had been left clear. Already, the company had put up a temporary enclosure for the animals. Their truck was backed against an opening in the fence, two men leading out ducks, lambs, and a few rabbits.</p><p>And then it appeared.</p><p>The goat was a miserly beast, blunted horns protruding up from a face he could only describe as pure evil. Its head bobbed as it walked into the enclosure, bleating.</p><p>“Anyone fancy goat curry?” he said to himself, glaring at the animal.</p><p>“Lucifer, look!” Trixie, along with the rest of the children, were pressed against the fence, reaching through to pet the animals.</p><p>“I see, child,” he called back, watching her face brighten with delight as she stroked the goat’s head.</p><p>Okay, perhaps the monster could stay. For now.</p><p>“Lucifer? Are you okay?” Chloe said softly from behind him. “I told the place that someone who was attending the party wasn’t fond of goats so they brought the oldest one they had.”</p><p>He half turned, hand thrusted in his pockets. “The Urchin’s happy,” he said.</p><p>She nodded. “Yeah. She’s been asking for a petting zoo for one of her birthday’s since she was five. The place Dan and I rented before the divorce didn’t have a yard so we were never able to do it.” She watched her daughter for a long moment. “If it really bothers you, I’ll tell them to pack up and go. I thought so long as they kept the… er… the you-know-what way over there, it would be okay.”</p><p>“You don’t have to do that. It would disappoint the children.”</p><p>“The children you told me you’d have no problem punching?” she laughed. “Seriously, if it bothers you, they’ll pack up and go.”</p><p>“No, the Urchin is enjoying herself. There’s no reason to spoil her fun.” He smiled to himself, watching as Trixie was handed something to feed to the goat.</p><p>“Thank you,” Chloe said, raising on tiptoe to kiss him. “It’s only for two hours.”</p><p>Two hours? He could do that. It was only 120 minutes. 7,2000 seconds. No problem. Piece of cake.</p><p>Why was the bloody thing staring at him?</p><p>Chloe went back inside to get the food and Lucifer took this chance to venture closer to the pen. Some of the children had already drifted off, bored. The rest were listening as the handlers talked about each of the animals they’d brought.</p><p>He slithered closer, near enough for that putrid scent of barn animal to hit him full force. Swiping at his nose, he glowered at the goat grazing serenely. And look! The thing was ruining the lawn. What a menace! Granted, he wasn’t the one who cut that grass but that was completely besides the point!</p><p>He side eyed the handlers but they were suitably distracted by their audience. His loafers were silent as he crept right up to the fence. The goat paused its eating, half raising a large head to survey him, before resuming its task with a lethargic snort.</p><p>He tapped on the fence to get the creatures attention but it ignored him. Well that wouldn’t do!</p><p>As he studied the animal, he realized how singularly uninteresting it was. He’d always thought of goats as beasts of exemplary sour deposition, like donkeys. Instead, it seemed they were lazier than Maze when she had to do chores.</p><p>His irritation grew, brow furrowing. This unremarkable thing was what humans believed the Devil to be? How dare they! Not a bit of this animal spoke of power or strength or charisma. </p><p>Perhaps they were like snakes and you had to provoke them to see their true nature.</p><p>Raising a leg, he settled his foot on the top of the low fence. He took one last look around and, confident Chloe wasn’t about to start screaming at him, hoisted himself over and into the enclosure.</p><p>The rabbits and ducks immediately approached him, no doubt searching for food. Easing his way between them, he approached his target.</p><p>The goat was still grazing and he cocked his head, wondering how to get its attention without alerting Chloe. Not that he was scared of her but he was sure if he was found out, she’d kick him out of the bedroom for a week at least.</p><p>He was not spending the next seven days camped out on the couch. It was unbecoming.</p><p>Aware of his rapidly dwindling time limit, he stalked around until he was face to face with the beast. Finally, he caught the goat’s attention. Raising its head, it blinked at him and bleated.</p><p>Okay, why wasn’t it doing something? Shouldn’t it feel threatened now that he was looming over it? If it wasn’t for all the humans present, he’d flash his Devil face to see if that made a difference.</p><p>“Lucifer! What the hell are you doing!”</p><p>He whirled and saw Chloe running towards him, bowl of potato salad tucked awkwardly under her arm.</p><p>Uh oh. Abort! Abort!</p><p>Turning back to give his nemesis one last withering glare, he startled as the goat reared back on his hind legs.</p><p>What was the purpose of that? To make themselves bigger? It seemed a piss poor way to defend oneself, in his flawless opinion.</p><p>“Luci-”</p><p>Whatever Chloe was about to say was lost on Lucifer as the goat rammed him squarely in the crotch.</p><p>The air left his lungs in a whistled hiss as he rocked backwards before doubling over, grabbing himself with a groan. Pain radiated down his thighs and up his stomach as he sank gracelessly to his knees before collapsing sideways and curling up in the fetal position. Tears pricked and he squeezed his eyes shut as his stomach rolled unpleasantly. </p><p>“Lucifer,” Chloe kneeled beside him, hands resting on his hip and shoulder. “Hey, you okay?”</p><p>The initial shock had worn off but somehow that only made everything hurt worse. Excruciating pain throbbed in time with his heartbeat and he curled up tighter, moaning.</p><p>“I know, I know,” she rubbed his shoulder gently. “I’ll save the lecture for later okay?”</p><p>“It attacked me!” he whined between gasps. “I’m going to spit roast the ugly bastard!”</p><p>“Hey, sweetie?” Chloe’s tone was strained. “I know you’re in a lot of pain but there’s still children around.” She leaned closer, lips brushing his ear. “And what the fuck were you doing trying to provoke the goat?”</p><p>He slitted open an eye, blinking away tears. The goat had gone back to eating the grass, tail flicking. </p><p>“It truly is evil, using my greatest attribute against me.” His eyes flickered to red but, predictably, the animal wasn’t impressed.</p><p>“Your greatest - oh c’mon, are you serious right now?” Chloe sat back on her heels. “Can you roll over on your back? It’ll help.”</p><p>It took a bit of effort, but he managed to reposition himself. Chloe left him alone for a few minutes, first placing his pocket square over his face, before returning with an ice pack.</p><p>“Okay, one of the neighbors is going to watch the kids. I called everyone’s parents and said the party is ending early due to unforeseen circumstances.”</p><p>“I’m sorry I ruined the Urchin’s birthday,” he mumbled, breathing slow and deep.</p><p>“Well, it was certainly… unique. Later tonight we’ll do a family dinner with the leftovers and eat the cake. Maybe Maze will be back in town by then. Honestly, Trixie’s just glad you’re okay.”</p><p>“No I’m not. I think I’m dying.”</p><p>“I’m sorry? I think.” She pulled the pocket square off his face. “I have an ice pack but it would be better if we could get you inside so the petting zoo can pack up and leave. Do you think you can stand up?”</p><p>It took a bit to get him to his feet, mainly because standing hurt. As did sitting. And walking. And breathing.</p><p>He was glad no one was around to witness his bowl legged limp of shame back to the house. Once inside, Chloe settled him on the couch with the ice pack and TV remote.</p><p>“I know I promised no lecture until you felt better but I just have to know, what exactly was your plan?” She sat in the armchair beside him.</p><p>“I wanted to know why people always compare me to goats.” The ice pack was barely making a dent in his pain. </p><p>“And? Did you find a satisfactory answer?”</p><p>“Un huh. It turns out goats are,” he struggled to sit up and took a massive breath, “BLOODY ASSHOLES!” he screamed in the direction of the backyard.</p><p>“I’ll go get you Advil, okay? Stay right there.” She all but bounded from her chair, biting down hard on her knuckles to stop her poorly timed giggles. It wasn’t funny… yeah it was.</p><p>Lucifer, slightly more satisfied, laid back on the couch, readjusting his ice pack and closing his eyes.</p><p>He was calling this fight a draw.</p>
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